Divorced!

After waiting for what it seems like an eternity, today I am single again!  For whatever reason, today, in court (we were there AGAIN for different reasons), EX decided he would be able to face the judge and finalize the process.

22 months after filing for divorce, it has actually happened.   I have lost so much sleep and have gained so much weight through all of the stress the EX (yippppeeee no longer STBX) has put me through through out this process.  All the vindictive and manipulative games; the harassment; the stalking; the angry outburst; the unintelligible emails and texts. The narcissistic games.  Almost 2 years worth of it all.

Oh I know it is not over.  We still have to finalize support (he believes that I am living “better” than when I was married — I am actually now considered low-income and live below the county’s sustainability standard) since he doesn’t want to pay me anything.  I basically didn’t work for 12 years (just part time) while *I* raised the kids and ran the household.  He thought I could jump back into the full time working world making 50% MORE than I was when I left it 12 years ago.  Ummmmmmm I actually am making the same.  The non-profit world has not kept up with the private sector when it comes to cost of living/salaries.

And I know with him it will never truly be “over.” He will continue to badger me and send me the dreaded emails and contradict me and bicker over every little detail until at least the kids are 18.  He will never let me go. He gains some sort of sick pleasure by doing everything he can to make me broke and to break my will.  He wants me to be destitute, but at the same time he thinks I should be making $30K more than I am.

I will continue to live with the guilt and sadness for my kids.  I only hope they can see through their dad’s evilness and live their lives as decent, caring, positive and loving adults.  I am so grateful they are in the caring school environment they are in and have learned so much as people through that community.

I need to continue to coach them on finding their voice.  I told little Ducky today that she needs to find her voice.  To learn to speak up; that one day she will have choices.  But the choices won’t come if her voice is not heard.

Part of me is free.  But I will always be burdened by the sorrow my kids have and will continue to live through.

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