Is this truly possible to do through life?
I know at my kids’ school, they are often asked if they can “life with it” – “it” being a decision, a compromise, a situation. In fact, it is one of my son’s favorite phrases. He tells me he can “live with it” or tells his sister “just live with it.”
But, I look at me. I didn’t “live with it.” I didn’t “enryo.” Is this a good example for my kids? That I couldn’t live in a marriage that I couldn’t breathe in? That I was so unhappy in? That I had zero communication or love or respect in?
I have guilt over this, of course. That I ripped my kids’ childhoods – their home, their pets, their rooms, their “stable” life, etc. But, I think I was the stable being. I was the one that was there all.the.time. I did it all. I took them on trips, volunteered in their classrooms, cooked all the meals and packed every lunch. I was the one they could count on.
I’m not sure they feel they can count on me anymore.
Am I the one who misses all of this? Or do they truly miss it?
Would I have been able to continue to “suck it up” for ten more years? While I watched STBX continue to have casual craiglist and Ashley Madison hook-ups as I was dying inside? Did I pick the right trade offs? Me v. my kids. That’s how I feel on a lot of days.
I’m still not divorced yet. He won’t do it. He continues to control and torment me.