Suck it Up

Is this truly possible to do through life?

I know at my kids’ school, they are often asked if they can “life with it” – “it” being a decision, a compromise, a situation.  In fact, it is one of my son’s favorite phrases.  He tells me he can “live with it” or tells his sister “just live with it.”

But, I look at me.  I didn’t “live with it.”  I didn’t “enryo.”  Is this a good example for my kids?  That I couldn’t live in a marriage that I couldn’t breathe in?  That I was so unhappy in?  That I had zero communication or love or respect in?

I have guilt over this, of course.  That I ripped my kids’ childhoods – their home, their pets, their rooms, their “stable” life, etc.  But, I think I was the stable being.  I was the one that was there all.the.time.  I did it all.  I took them on trips, volunteered in their classrooms, cooked all the meals and packed every lunch.  I was the one they could count on.

I’m not sure they feel they can count on me anymore.

Am I the one who misses all of this?  Or do they truly miss it?

Would I have been able to continue to “suck it up” for ten more years?  While I watched STBX continue to have casual craiglist and Ashley Madison hook-ups as I was dying inside?  Did I pick the right trade offs?  Me v. my kids.  That’s how I feel on a lot of days.

I’m still not divorced yet.  He won’t do it.  He continues to control and torment me.

It sucks.


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