Ambition and Success

I read a blog post today, on a non-profit’s website, with this title.  Although it had to do with women and the trying to be everything to everyone and have a career, it made me stop and think.

What is ambition to me?  And how do I define success?

I think I have no ambition anymore.  I think part of it has been stuck in an unhappy relationship/marriage where I was the primary caregiver to my children.  My life revolved around them and their needs and running the house.  My “career” was so on hold;  it wasn’t even secondary.  It was FOURTH on my list (I think I’ve talked about that list before).  It was pushed so far back.

Then I was forced to find a full time job.  In the same “career” — one that I didn’t want to be in.  I have no ambitions to further *that* career.  I do not want to be a development director.  Grant writing only goes so far.

So the next up was “success.”  UGH.  What is it?  I don’t feel like a success.  Ever.  I feel like a failure.  Especially at this time of the year (birthday coming up) and especially in this nasty ass divorce with narcissistic STBX.  I have a failed marriage due to my insecurities and settling for things in my past.  I’ve also  failed my children.  How can I feel success?

I go to court again tomorrow.  I’m trying to be optimistic that it will be ok.  It’s always so stressful.  I’ve been on the verge of tears all day.  Tomorrow it’s about support.  STBX is surprisingly agreeing to pay me something.  If I actually see any support, my income will go from almost the “very low” income category to just over “low” income.

Yeah.  Still low-income.  However, I pat myself on the back that my “prediction” of where I would be in my work “re entry” is RIGHT WHERE I told the mediator it would be.  STBX was giving him some inflated figure of 35-45K higher.  HA.  Um, I was basically unemployed for 12 years (just part time work).  How could I expect to be in an advanced position?

Success?  Not really.  Not in any area of my life.  Today, in 2016, I feel like a failure.






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