Getting through the hard times

So last week the kids had the week off of school.  And it a scheduled week for them to be with STBX.  I was so dreading it.  It is so hard for me to be without them.

Two things saved me from depression last week.  I am very serious when I say depression.  I struggle enough during a regular week.  I struggle through the quiet lonely nights;  I struggle with the actual act of getting out of bed; I struggle with guilt.

First, my very boring and unfulfilling job.  It has absolutely saved me.  How?  Because I *have* to get out of bed and go there.  I *have* to put on a face and actually face my realities of the day.  I *have* to perform at a certain level — it’s expected.  And it’s not hard;  I can manage the tasks.  AND I don’t have to supervise anyone.  The pay is lousy and we (my office mate and I) are treated, well, like a second class citizen, when in fact WE raise most of the $$ for the agency.

Second LOML.  I cry thinking about it.  He came to see me.  He took a week off of work.  He made arrangements for coverage so he could be with me.  He said he needed the break (which I think was partially true) BUT he came to be with me.

My heart melts to think about that.  And my heart was singing to be with him for the whole week.  And my heart cried when he left.  He was crying too.  Real tears. It’s not the first time I’ve seen him cry when we part.

Sigh.

And yesterday seeing the kids and taking them home with me filled me with joy and sorrow at the same time.  My heart breaks for what crazy shit they go through with their dad.  And the guilt settles in again.  And I cry.  I cry tears of sadness for them. And tears of guilt.  For I have freed myself but imprisoned them.

It’s all hard.

 

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