Never ending guilt

So the guilt continues.  As do the tears.  From.  Me.

My kids lives were changed so dramatically.  How do I get over the fact that the kids don’t have their own rooms anymore? That they don’t have a yard to play in?  That they have to switch houses twice a week?  And the days Ducky cries over the fact that she doesn’t have a certain shirt or dress or something?

Even Ducky says she wishes we weren’t getting divorced. She told me she was writing her “persuasive” paper about it.

Can I get over the fact that while I’m “free” from STBX, my children are sad.  They have moments of joy and fun, but they are sad.  STBX doesn’t think they need to see a therapist, however I do.  But I lost that battle in court, as Ducky’s teacher stated she is “happy” in class in some random email he asked her about.  Pre-planned.  Just because he knows I think they need therapy.  I don’t get why it’s ok for him to see a therapist but not his kids?

When they are with me, it’s like the the old “normal.”  And then, days like today, when I release them to STBX (for the week, since it’s winter break) it sends me into a spiral of sadness and, to be honest, a bit of depression.

I think LOML knows this.  He is coming to see me TONIGHT.  A surprise.  He is taking time off from work.  It’s like he is coming to rescue me.  I’m ok with that.  I’m also ok with the fact that I need him.  I seriously do.  My heart and soul needs him.  I have never felt that way about or with anyone.

Guilt makes me cry. I cry a lot lately.  I hope that I can figure a way through it.






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