Hard Week

It’s been a hard week.

Yesterday was my last day at my former job.  The job I’ve had for 11 years.  It was very sad.  My boss gave me this and told me to open it later.  When I did it made me cry.  Every time I think about it or see the photo I cry.

IMG_3847

Today also marks a year of being officially “separated” from STBX.  It is depressing to me because, as I told our former mediator the other day, we have gone BACKWARDS.  I feel like there is no forward momentum anymore.  There is no formal custody stipulation, no settlement agreement and my attorney wants to cancel next week’s “get a job” court date because the vocational counselors have not completed their reports.  WTF????  I paid all that money 2.5 months ago for them to NOT have a report done?  I got NOTHING from my vocational counselor EXCEPT the supposed report.  I was so mad.

Onward I march.  To a new job on Monday.  I keep telling myself it will be OK.  But it doesn’t feel OK.  I told  my attorney yesterday I am DONE  and I am OUT OF MONEY.  I cannot and will not pay any more fees for “specialty” consultants that give me NOTHING.  I told her I was FORCED to take a low-income salary job, one that qualifies my children for Medi-Cal (since of course STBX is NOT working).  That makes me cry too, as well as feel like a loser.   I will not do the special accountant for retirement. I will just end up losing more, I know it.

It’s been quite a year.  LOML told me today when I mentioned my terrible week and the “anniversary” today –  “I love you more than anything.  You are the most beautiful person in the world and I’m so lucky to be with you.”  It made me cry.  A lot.

Things will get better.  They really have to.

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