Trying to Get it

It is going to be a sad week.  But I’ll get into that later.

So today when one of the instructors I work with said “what?  You’re working THREE jobs and it doesn’t count?” I thought to myself WTF?  It doesn’t make sense.  Yeah, I see how the hours don’t add up to “full time” but I’m busting my ass and he (STBX) is doing what???

So he has “mommy” living with him.  The mom he never called until I encouraged him to call when we were dating.  The mom he never wanted to see, send a card to or wish a Happy Mother’s Day to.  Now she is his biggest support and help (while of course she is trying to “fix” things).  I don’t get it.  Well, I do.  Big Kid says she is there to “manage” them (kids).  I think she is there to be back up that he is a “good parent.”

Back to STBX.  So I’m working 3 part time jobs, volunteering at the kids school, driving them to activities and trying to maintain a household.  No wonder I’m exhausted.  Ummm and what is he doing?  I DON’T know.  I hope he is looking hard for work (not sure).  I will totally not get it if his (fake) disability claim is extended another 90 days. UGH.  The “get a job” court date is next week.  Another date I dread.

The sad part of the week is it’s my last week at the old job.  After 11 years I am forced to leave.  Not sure how I will keep it together all week.  The second sad thing is the little time I’m seeing my kids.  I miss them so much.  Especially little Ducky who is so sad all the time.

I’m still trying to get the “fairness” about Family Court.  I’m still trying to get why my divorce is not final (well I know why, but I don’t get all the reasons why STBX wants to drag it out).   I cried today when I again was explaining to LOML how I will most likely need to pay STBX “child support” at next week’s court date since he has NOT found a job.

So, I’m trying to get it.  To get it together, to understand.  I’m going to be poorer than poor.  I will only see my kids 50% of the time.  I’m leaving my job that I loved.  I am forced into a random job in a field I don’t want to be in.  I feel guilty all the time for my kids.  All for what?  I keep asking myself is it all worth it?

Time will tell.  But I feel that I jeopardized my kids for something that has become an absolute nightmare.  The guilt will never end.

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