It’s Rough

I’ve had a rough several weeks.  Well, it seems like every week has it’s rough spots these days.

My life continues to change and new things are just thrown at me – I have no choices, no say, which a lot of it equals no motivation for me.  My creativity has waned;  I haven’t sewn or crafted (well for one thing I have NO fabric since I can’t afford to rebuild my stash and STBX hasn’t returned anything to me).

I feel like the family court system has dictated my life and will continue to do so as long as my kids are school aged.

I had to resign from my part-time job at the agency that I love.  Working with the best staff team ever.  They are the most generous, caring and beautiful women I have ever worked with.  This makes me cry.

I had to accept a job in a field that I really don’t want to be in.  But it’s what I know.  And the pay puts me in the very low-low income bracket (HUD guidelines for the county).  And it’s still a battle to determine if it will be “acceptable” for the court since it’s not quite “full time.”

STBX continues to tell brainwash the kids against me.  Things like Ducky cannot take “her” camping and beach items (which are residing at his house) with her for her school overnight because “your mom is going to STEAL them”  WFT??  It’s the kids stuff.  Or now it’s there is not enough time for you (kids) to go swimming.  Because if you (son) were at at “real school” (they are at an alternative school) for middle school you would have way more homework.  WTF?  A middle school kid would have 6 hrs. of homework a night?  A middle school kid has no time for extra curricular activities?

I had to watch my 3rd grader put her head down on her desk and cry last week when I told  her I wasn’t able (at that time) to find a boogie board for her to borrow.  She told me “I want mine but dad won’t let me take it.”  So heartbreaking.

But I found a boogie board.  And her dad “let” her take hers so she had a choice on what to bring.  She took the new one.  And she was so happy to be leaving on the trip today.  I have to focus on the smiles that she wore and the excitement coming out of every inch of her little body.  That will get me through all of the tears I’m crying today.

It’s really rough today.

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