A Shift in the Force

I am truly overwhelmed.

All of these aforementioned court ordered BS documents and discovery have me at a standstill.  I am stuck.  It’s like the wheels are stuck in the stickiest, gooiest mud in a downpour.

It’s caused a shift in the force as the LOML told me.  I’m counting on him to be my positive influence – but it’s not helping and it’s like I cannot move.

Yesterday in the middle of a run with Ducky I had a meltdown.  The worst one I’ve had. I have them daily, but they are usually little and I can recover fairly quickly.  For this one, I had to sit on the sidewalk.  I was sobbing and couldn’t get up.  Poor Ducky.  I told her I was feeling sick to my stomach.  In a way I was.  Deep down in the pit of my stomach.

To make matters worse, something has truly shifted in my feelings for LOML.  I’m trying to figure it out.  Last Friday he “disappeared” off of electronic contact.  This is super rare for us — we text randomly throughout the day, but diligently at night and in the early am.  NOTHING.  I woke up several times during the night – no texts, no calls.  By the am I was panicked.  Truly panicked.  He wasn’t picking up calls and I knew he had practice in the am.  But nothing even by the time practice started.

Finally a text popped up with a picture of the  moon – all I could say was “where are you?” He called and explained he went to a friend’s house and didn’t realize there was no cell coverage.  Had to hustle back in the am for practice.  I tried to explain then and later how I was worried and how taking 5 seconds to contact me in the am, when he got back in cell range, would have helped.  For some reason, although he says he understands, there is a shift.  A shift in our relationship that I cannot explain.  It’s almost like another thing I cannot deal with.

Maybe it’s my stress level – or lack of dealing with the overwhelming stuff I’m dealing with.  Maybe I cannot handle the distance between us and the limited time we see each other.  Maybe this is just the first bump we are dealing with.  I hope that is the case.  Just a bump.

I need life to get back on the road.  The smooth road, the one without the mud.

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